Messages For An Anxious Camper
Read more of Sunshine’s camp-related posts at her website, Sunshine Parenting.
“Children want to be independent, and they realize that they cannot be truly independent until they beat homesickness, even when they have a painful case of it.”
– Michael Thompson, PhD., Homesick and Happy
Recently I spoke with a mom whose 11-year-old son is coming to camp in a few days. He’s nervous. He had a negative experience at a one-week science camp. He doesn’t think he can “make it for two weeks” and is worried he’ll be too homesick to make it at camp. I chatted with the mom and gave her some key messages to communicate to her son. She asked for them in bullet points in an email, and I thought there are probably others who might benefit from this same list, so I’m sharing this with anyone who has a child suffering from pre-camp anxiety.
Before I share my list, let me say that if you are not a camp proponent and don’t plan on sending your child to camp, you should probably not read any further. I am a huge supporter of camp and recently had a JC (Junior Counselor) tell me that “Camp made her who she is today.” So, I think that camp is a great thing for building kids’ independence and confidence. I have also seen many kids work through some pretty painful emotions at camp, so I know that camp is not easy for all kids.
We have 7-year-olds at our camp who do great during our two-week sessions. They are the ones who’ve begged their parents to let them come to camp and generally have older siblings who’ve attended camp. I also talk to a lot of parents with older kids who “aren’t sure if they’re ready for camp.” One thing I’ve learned after close to three decades at camp is that the same kids who are anxious and hesitant about going to camp when they’re nine or ten will still be anxious when they’re 13. And they may not be interested in going away to college when they’re 18, either.
So, as a parent, you need to decide how to approach your child’s separation anxiety, as well as your own. You can avoid it and not send them to camp and hope that they develop independence in other ways, which is definitely possible. Or, you can bite the bullet, give them these positive messages, and send them off to camp with a smile, knowing that it may be hard for them, but they will grow from the experience.
In Michael Thompson, PhD.’s book Homesick and Happy, he says “It is the very challenge of camp that makes it such a life-changing experience for so many children.” I know there are many parents and children who just can’t stomach the idea of going through some painful time apart. Again, you need not read further if you are not sending your reluctant child to camp.
This post is for those of you who have decided that your child is going to camp, and especially for those of you who had a previously excited camper who is now having last-minute camp anxiety. Here are some messages you can give prior to dropping your camper at the bus or at camp. Pick and choose, and of course, use your own words, but acknowledge your child’s feelings and empathize with them while holding firm in your confidence in their ability to succeed and your belief that camp will be good for them.
Without further ado, here are some messages to give to your anxious camper:
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Let them know that missing home is okay.
“You may feel homesick, and that’s okay. A lot of kids feel that way. That just means that you love us and you love home. I feel homesick when I’m on trips, too. Missing home is part of life. But I know you can still have fun at camp, even if you feel sad sometimes.”
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Reassure them that there are people at camp who will take care of their needs.
“There are adults at camp (counselors, directors) who are there to take care of you and help you with anything you need. They can help with things you normally come to me about. Let them know if you are feeling sad, and they can help you. They have lots of experience working with kids who are away from home for the first time.”
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Talk with your child honestly about the importance of starting to develop some independence.
Something along the lines of: “It may seem like a long way off, but in a few years, you’ll be ready for college. I want you to feel confident in your ability to live away from me so that you can choose any school you like, even if it’s far away from home. Think of camp like your practice time for when you’re older and ready to move away for school or a job. You’ll get better at being independent by starting now, when you’re young, with short spurts of time away. Some kids aren’t doing well when they start college because they don’t have any experience being away from home. I want you to feel great when you go to college because you’ll know that you’ve already been successful with short camp stays.”
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Share the reality that many good things in life come with some pain and failure.
If you have a story from your own life of something that you had to work hard at or had to go through difficulties in order to master, this is a great time to share. Something along the lines of, “Many good things in life aren’t easy at first. Learning a new sport or trying something new is really hard. Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone to discover something you really love. If you never go through anything hard, you’re going to miss out on some great experiences. The first few days of camp may be hard, and that’s okay. I know you’ll work through it and figure out what makes you feel better. I have confidence in you, and I am so proud of you for going to camp and trying this new adventure!
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Let them know that you are confident in them.
“I am so excited that you get to go to camp this year. I know it’s going to be such a great experience for you and that you are ready for this.” If you went to camp, share with your camper what you liked about it and how you grew from the experience.
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Make sure they know you want to hear about everything.
“Every day comes with its good and bad parts. When you’re at camp, I want you to write me letters and tell me all of the stuff that you’re doing and feeling. If you feel homesick at rest time, tell me about it, and also tell me what you did to help yourself. Did you talk to your counselor? Keep yourself busy playing cards with friends? Write me a letter? I also want you to share good stuff. Did you get your favorite food for lunch? Try rock climbing? Get up on a kneeboard? I want to hear both the good and bad things about camp in your letters.”
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If your camper asks you if you will pick him up if he’s sad, you need to let him know that you are not going to pick him up early.
“Even if you’re a little homesick for the whole time you’re at camp, you’re going to feel so much better about the experience if you stick it out and make the best of it. Most kids feel better after a few days of getting settled in and adjusted, and I know you’ll feel great once you let yourself relax and just start enjoying all the fun things at camp. I’m not going to pick you up early, no matter what, because I know you will feel really proud of yourself for making it through camp, even if you have some hard days.”
In Homesick and Happy, Thompson says, “Homesickness is not a psychiatric illness. It is not a disorder. It is the natural, inevitable consequence of leaving home. Every child is going to feel it, more or less, sooner or later. Every adult has had to face it and overcome it at some point in life … If you cannot master it, you cannot leave home.”
I would like to note that you do not need to use all of these messages but instead choose the ones you think will resonate most with your child. What’s most important is that you express confidence in your child and in the camp experience. These same messages would be great as responses to a sad letter you receive from your camper.
I always tell the kids that the fun and happy feelings at camp usually far outweigh any sad feelings. Many kids tell me they “don’t feel homesick at all,” but there are some who struggle, especially during their first summer. Those kids seem to grow the most and feel the most pride in their accomplishment of staying at camp. If you are feeling worried about how your child will do at camp, know that you are giving your child a precious gift by allowing them this special time where they get to grow their wings.
Secondary Homesickness: When your camper does not want to go back to camp
“I don’t want to go back!”
Two or three times each year, I get a call from a returning camper’s parent who is baffled that their once-happy camper is now saying she doesn’t want to return to camp. From what the parent saw and heard last summer, camp was a great experience. So why is the child now hesitating to return? If this were your child, what would you say and do in this situation? Should you invest a lot of money in an experience your child is now saying she doesn’t want to do again?
Validating Feelings
On the one hand, we want to honor our kids’ opinions. These days, we all know the importance of validating our children’s feelings and not insisting they do what we want all the time. Yet, there are times when a child’s anxiety may stop him from doing something really great. In these cases, it’s our job to encourage kids with what Dr. Michael Thompson calls “more than one gentle push out of the nest.” If we insulate our children from discomfort, we could prevent them from having some amazing life experiences.
Find the Right Camp “Match”
There are many different types of overnight camps, and if your child is hesitant to return because of the 
activities offered or philosophy, encouraging a better fit is a great idea. But I do think it’s worth trying camp again, especially when you know that the experience was largely positive. I contacted Thompson—my favorite homesickness guru and author of Homesick and Happy—to have him weigh in:
Wise Words from Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
“Let’s call it Secondary Anticipatory Homesickness, where a camper facing a second year of camp keenly remembers and anticipates some psychic pain but is not equally in touch with the pleasures of camp. A parent has to acknowledge that it took courage to go off the first year and will take courage again. A parent has to say, ‘We respected you for what you accomplished last summer, and we’re excited about how you will grow this summer. We know you can do it again and we are really hoping that you do.’ The fledgling needs more than one gentle push out of the nest. Mainly, a child needs an acknowledgment that there was some pain and effort involved and to know that the parents are sure she/he can do it again.”
Thompson calls this encouragement “a second vote of confidence in the child’s strength.” I think for some kids, camp—and other experiences, for that matter—may never be completely comfortable. As a camp director, I’ve met many adults who had one negative camp experience as a child and decided from it that they were not a “camp person.” Amazingly, I also had an incredibly homesick, negative camp experience as an eight-year-old. My mom saved the tear-stained postcards and called the camp to check on me. Yet, a few years later I decided to return to a different camp and had an amazing, life-changing experience. I can relate to the pain kids feel when they reflect on moments (or hours) of homesickness from the previous summer. But I also know that coming back to a place that’s familiar gets easier with practice, and the sense of community and belonging builds with time. They may still experience pain—as all of us do at different times—but they get better at mastering it, and thus come out stronger, more confident people.
Getting Comfortable with Discomfort
As with every other challenge and new experience, going to camp for the first time (or the second, third, or 
fourth for more anxious kids) will likely bring discomfort for kids and parents alike. The question is, are you willing to work through the discomfort and help your child face this particular challenge?
Need some help with wording of why you think returning to camp is important for your child? Read my Messages for an Anxious Camper for some tips!
Related/Resources
Homesick and Happy, Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Ep. 39: How to Handle Your Camper’s Homesickness
“Kidsickness”: Help for First Time Camp Parents
Should I Make my Kid go to Camp?
What’s the Best Age for Camp?
10 Reasons Great Parents Choose Summer Camp for Their Kids
More information about Audrey’s new book is here: Happy Campers: 9 Summer Camp Secrets for Raising Kids Who Become Thriving Adults.
In Happy Campers, Audrey shares what she’s learned from three decades of creating a culture where kids become happier while gaining important social and emotional skills. The book is based on her thousands of interactions with campers, camp counselors, and parents, her academic research in positive psychology, and interviews with camp directors from across the country.